Thursday, June 30

Oh, just daydreaming about lighting things on fire

Sometimes (all the time) I daydream about designing houses. And I think,

WOULDN'T IT BE AMAZING TO HAVE A FIREPLACE IN YOUR BEDROOM?

And then I revise that thought:
Nayyy, A FIREPLACE IN THE BATHROOM. 'TWOULD SURPASS THE AFOREMENTIONED LEVEL OF AMAZINGNESS.
SWANKY AS ****.

Mmmm. Fire. Makes me daydream in caps lock.

It started in middle school, when both my unsuspecting parents had to work in the evenings. I'd grab my hidden stash of matches, make a beeline for the bathroom, and select the products with the most dire-sounding warning labels.

Then I'd spray/pour them onto the concrete patio outside and let them duke it out for the Most Impressibly Flammable Award.*

My college roomates didn't know this when they invited me to live with them sophomore year... in a house heated by nothing other than a wood stove.

One freezing, dark winter night in my beloved college home, I took it upon myself to heat the house very thoroughly before my roommates & I went to bed. I built a fire that would put a pyromaniac Boy Scout counselor to shame-- the black metal chimney above the fire took on a faint orange glow.
YAY for college students and their impulse to photographically document every moment of life (...says a blogger)

Soon everyone had changed into boxers and tank tops, and we'd plastered ourselves against the wall furthest from the blaze.

I checked the thermometer in the next room over. IT READ 98°F. IN THE NEXT ROOM OVER. It was a proud, proud moment.

And then... we looked out the window. Everything was blanketed in an unexpected coating of snow. We ran outside in our sweaty pajamas, stuffed the fresh white powder into glasses, then went back inside & added juice & colorful straws. I will never eat a better snow cone in my life.

Sometimes it pays to be a pyro.
(Sorry about the burn marks on the patio, Mama & Papa Bear.)

*(Aerosol foam shoe cleaner won, hands down. The coolest part is that it floats on water, so you can spray it into a water fountain, light it, and watch the floating flames go down the little waterfalls. Highlight of my 13-year old life.)

18 comments:

Nanoinfinity said...

I love the expression on your face.

Taming the wild elements!

The Woven Moments said...

I am so, so glad we were not friends when I was growing up.

Because we'd still be in jail.

Caitlin said...

WOW. I'm like the opposite, I am TERRIFIED of fire. I make Rob doing everything fire-related. You're so hilarious, lady, I love reading all of your posts!

Sam said...

Aaaaw yes! Good times on High Street. I remember it fondly! I think Lauren has a picture somewhere of the "snow cones." I remember like it was yesterday. I miss those days/that house like a mutha. This post makes me homesick for the 4th of July at my Dad's house. The year before last, my dad, chance, curtis and the vast majority of vagrant children between the ages of 15 and 20 who lived in Burns at the time congregated in front of my dad's house and worked tirelessly to ignite a pineapple. My mom thought my dad was going to be the voice of reason when he brought over a glass of clear liquid. She, of course, thought he had water on hand to keep things from getting too crazy. However, he smiled with a maniacal grin and informed her that it was, in fact, lighter fluid. They tried for hours to blow that thing up with every combination of altered fireworks. Finally, Kanette stepped in and took charge, and that thing was history in a matter of seconds. Good, good, good times!

Sam said...

I think you would have been there, but you had to get married or some rediculous thing like that!

Kristie said...

The bit about aerosol foam shoe cleaner: just wow.

As my mom worked at a hospital burn unit for the better part of my childhood, pyromania was not one of my formative experiences. However, I do recall one particular evening birthday party when, at my mom's suggestion, we gathered really big sticks from the backyard, stuck the ends in the fire until they burned like coals, and then twirled them around like oversized sparklers. This ended about as you would expect-- just short of permanent damage to other people's kids-- and that was the end of that.

April said...

@Nano-- I literally had to make that face because it was SO hot to be next to. If I didn't close my eyes 98% of the way, it felt like they'd shrivel up into little raisins! (image of the day, huh?)

@Ryan, it's comments like yours that make me wish blogger would install a thumbs-up button : )

@Caitlyn, THANKS buddy!! I love your blog too!

April said...

@Sam-- I searched & searched through fbook but I couldn't find that photo! I'll definitely add it if I find it. I think I remember hearing the pineapple story... Kanetters just gets $#!* done, huh? : )

@Kristie-- tell your mom I'm taking notes ; )
& you can bet that I emptied that whoooole can of shoe cleaner within an hour.

Remy said...

I need that bathroom and I need it now.

Cheers to us pyromaniacs!

Cary said...

I have a fireplace in my bedroom...

...It doesn't work. Some winter nights, I wish it would. Other nights, I dream of roasting marshmallows in my room.

Karin said...

Omg... 98°F? The house could've melted XD

I think I'm your exact opposite. Fires look pretty - but I stay as far away from them as possible. I actually have a real phobia of fire and heat, I can't even light a match without taking several deep breaths first. If my future house has a fire place I'm afraid it would be totally wasted on me :<

April said...

@Remy, I found one that's double-sided so you can enjoy if from both rooms!! Clicky click : )

@Cary, YES. Marshmallows. & hot dogs & stuffed peppers & chocolate-filled donuts. Fire & food, my two favorite things!!

@Karin, the stove itself was seriously on its way to becoming molten lava. Along with our faces...

Jessica said...

So that's what happened to the shoe cleaner! Love, Mahma

so funny that you love fire and water so much, what does that mean???

April said...

what does it mean?? It means I was a double-threat child, and you are a SUPER-MAMA for keeping me alive all these years!! : )

Lozzz123 said...

LOL your flammability (is that a word!?) experiments sound awesome, and slightly concerning :P

Kristie said...

Relatedly, did you make fire happen on the 4th of July?

April said...

K, think giant bonfire while watching giant fireworks. Heaven.

Sam said...

Ha ha! I think we all knew that Kanette would blow it up almost instantly, but that would have taken the fun out of watching the boys struggle for going on two hours. She finally couldn't take it anymore, and just stepped in and took charge. Like when she told me where to put the brown sugar. Wow! I love that kid.