Wednesday, April 6

Housewifery HOO-rah

I am a terrible housewife. I was never made for this. NEVER. I need direction; I need pressure; I need someone to boss me around.

(I need for any potential employers to erase the previous sentence and the existence of this blog from their memory, and believe I'm a perfectly self-motivated individual with energizer-bunny drive and the focus of a bald eagle with binoculars... who never writes run-on sentences.)

It makes sense that if I don't have a job, and Jason is working his butt off at school, I should be doing an equal amount of work in job-seeking and housewifery, yes?

Job-seeking? Check!
Housewifery? ....

Let's just say, it's so bad that I get aprons as gag gifts. 

Click to zoom. If you dare.

Euphemisms of the past:
Dinner isn't late, it's... suspenseful.

Dinner isn't burnt/completely carcinogenic/could be used as charcoal sticks for caveman drawings, it's... smokey. Or "Cajun?"

And the biohazards in the fridge? Just think of them as biodiversity. Flourishing biodiversity. Perhaps you prefer the term "wildlife?"

As for as the algae growing under the dish drainer, it... 

I just can't euphemize that. I can't. That was the final straw.

Combined with that horrific discovery and the manic-episode-inducing-happy-sunny springtime outside, it's as if someone shot me full of some sort of Crack-Ritalin cocktail.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
I'm going through a "This is why I'll never be an adult" cycle, and right now I'm full-on:
This is so amazing that I feel guilty for using it, even when I give Allie credit for it. SOURCE: hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com
 

Seriously, my hands are chapped from bleach.

Currently working on:
  • Planning this entire week's meals and writing a grocery list for all the ingredients, organized into three different grocery stores, and BY AISLE. I'm serious about the Crack-Ritalin suspicions.
  • Sterilizing/organizing the entire apartment. 
  • Redesigning zee old blog... it's gonna be COOL!
  • Redesigning my professional portfolio-- I'll link you to it once the dust settles.
  • Drawing, & painting, & learning a new architecture design program!
  • Applying for volunteer jobs at animal shelters while I wait to hear back from architecture firms.
  • Taking a shower every day!
  • Planning PARTIES!!!
I'll tell you about them soon. It's exciting. As is FREAKING EVERYTHING right now.

...I hope I don't crash too hard.

P.S. I finally thought of a way to euphemize the algae under the dish drainer: "At least that's ONE houseplant I can keep alive!" Buh-dum-PSHHH.

9 comments:

Married In Chicago said...

1. that is the funniest comic ever. i laugh every time i see it.

2. next time you are on this part of the cycle, PLEASE come to my house and clean?!?!? Please?

Lindsay said...

I really enjoy the soap with a face on it. I should try that. Maybe it will motivate me to clean.

April said...

Lindsay, there's more where that came from... she has a few friends ; )

Foxygen said...

I lived with my friend Jason in grad school and he cooked an awful lot, much more than I ever did. I got him an apron in New Orleans that was perfect - Kitchen Bitch.

He wore it, while cooking. Good times.

Even though I work (less than I used to, but yes I still work), I also feel like I should be cleaning. But there's always something better to do, even if it's having a staring contest with my dog!

Kelley @ Kelley Maria said...

From the looks of your "currently working on" list...you are waaay better at the housewife thing than I am. During my unemployment, I felt the need to do the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry (well I still do) but I never managed to really succeed at it. Mix in some painting, party planning and animal shelter volunteering - you are super woman!

PS - I love your apron
:)

Kelley @ Kelley Maria said...

While I was watching The Today Show...I mean doing HOUSE WORK - I came across these and thought you might need them to help fulfill your housewife duties:

http://www.amazon.com/Slipper-Genie-Microfiber-Cleaning-Slippers/dp/B000R9B3L4

April said...

Robin, I'm so used to seeing you kicking serious butt at the gym that I just can't picture you doing dainty things like cleaning! Dog staring contests, though, definitely yes.


Kelley, I have to admit that Jason is normally the main cleaner between the two of us. His 'messy tolerance' is much, much lower than mine : )

& those SLIPPERS! HA!! Too bad I just scrubbed the shower yesterday; those would have been perrrfect.

Sam said...

I feel exactly the same way except opposite...if that makes sense! I have been here for two weeks, and, since I don't have a job, I have made dinner, done the dishes, swept, mopped, vacuumed, decorated, re-decorated, re-re decorated, started and painting, read an entire book, bought a new bed, bought all new bedding, done 8 loads of laundry...I NEED a day job. And believe it or not, the house is a total nuclear waist zone right now, and I burnt the chicken last night. I fail!

April said...

I can't believe that list, Sam! I get really excited/energized when I move, though, so I can totally relate. Remember when I freaked you out by baking bread/dying my hair/going on a run the first morning I moved in with you?

& that list makes me realllly want to visit your new place now. Miss you.