Wednesday, May 25

Really terrible reasons to start a family

I'm watching my friends, one-by-one, succumb to baby fever. It's like a real-life version of the twitterpation scene from Bambi.

I keep expecting it to hit, but I've got nothing. I love kids, but babies? I don't get it.

So far, the only reasons I've even thought about starting a family have been... shallow. Very shallow. Such as:

We first liked the names "Emma," "Sophia," and "Will." But we all know what happened with those names. So a year ago we picked new ones (because how else do you pass long car rides?).

Sure enough, the new picks have started slowly creeping up the "most popular names" list. I keep having mini panic attacks every time a friend or relative gets knocked up (what if they use it first? eeeeeeeep). (So, current name candidates? Under lockdown.)

Plus, there are the materialistic things like THESE:

Another selfish reason: because I think pregnancy is the coolest thing ever. Your uterus grows to 1,000 times its size. If your whole body pulled that off, well... here are the tallest buildings in the world:

Here is you x1,000 next to those buildings:
LARGE & IN CHARGE, BABY.   L A R G E   &   I N   C H A R G E  .

And another terrible reason for getting knocked up? Because I am DYYYYING to have a puppy right now. And our apartment doesn't allow puppies, but it does allow babies. BAD April. Baby does not equal surrogate puppy.

Any more posts like these and the Child Services people are going to be waiting in the delivery room to seize our newborns.

Sure, I want kids someday. Sure, I've loved my future offspring ever since I realized I could have offspring. Sure, I've loved them even more since I met the guy who would be contributing half their chromosomes and raising them with me.

But I don't want them right now. (Okay, maybe a tiny bit. Like a 5.5-out-of-10 amount of Want.)
(But that's all.)
(& I hope they get his hair.)


Drea said...

Hahahah. I love this.
I'm actually expecting my first. (Surprise baby, much??)

I keep telling my husband;
"I hope we're having a girl, because I can only think of good girl names. And look at how CUUUTE the girl toys are. And OOOOH CLOTHES."

He just looks at me. "Those are goood reasons, babe."

Nope. I can think of a million "bad" reasons to have babies. Haha.

Awesome post.

Anonymous said...

It could be worse. You could be in Utah. I've been watching my friends succumb to marriage/baby fever since we finished high school. Now I'm seeing the people that were behind my in school getting married and having kids. Did I mention that I'm not even 21 yet?

I couldn't imagine being married and having a baby right now. It might have something to do with I look at all my peers, and I can't help but feel like they're really not that great of parents. I'm horribly judgmental like that.

You seem like you're being smart about it, though. You haven't been married a few years (I think), and are older than 20 (I'm pretty sure). When you do decide to have kids, at least you'll be a "grown-up." You'll be able to appreciate a baby for all the joys that it actually is, instead of any burdens.

I think I'm yeah
TL;DR: You could be in Utah.

Anonymous said...

That should say, "you *have* been married a few years."

April said...

Drea, we're the same way with the girl names. Why are boy names so hard?? The current ratio is like 8:2 (boy:girl names), so we figure we're probably going to end up with a bunch of sons. I can dig that though : )

Lindsay, yiiiiikes. My facebook page is full of baby pictures, but all my mama friends seem pretty ecstatic so I'm happy for them : ) & yes, we're definitely enjoying a few years with just the two of us.

Markie said...

Great post!
I know! I'm at about a 6 on the "baby fever" scale at the moment. It fluctuates. When the desire goes up, we just hang out with our friends who have babies (specifically teething babies) and the baby desire goes down to about a 1.
Our ideal would be to wait 4 more years. We shall see how that works out.

Ashley Paige said...

.... but you could end up with a Carter! and c'mon, how could you not want a Carter??

seriously though? get a puppy. sneak that sh*t in, if you have to. that'll at least buy you a year or two.

as for names? keep them on super, secret lockdown. we're screwed if we ever have another boy. why? we only could agree on one name.

;) happy wednesday!

Kelley @ Kelley Maria said...

I am in the exact same boat! Ha! I completely understand where you are coming from. Matt and I think of names to pass time in the car also! I want my kids name to be unique, not weird...just not the same as a bunch of other kids in their class. For example, I had 5 other Kelley's in my 1st grade class - Kelley W (me), Kelly Price, Kelly Price (yes - two Kelly Prices), Kelly Rose, Kellie Ann and Kelly O. I sure as heck don't want that happening to my kid. It seems like whenever I pick a name, it becomes popular or some celebrity with the same name becomes popular and I DO NOT want people thinking I named my kid after a celeb. Anyways, enough of me ranting. Maybe I should do a post on this subject as well? It seems I have a lot to say. Anyway, I am refraining from saying anymore. Other than, I am totes in the 5.5 out of 10 scale right now.

April said...

Markie, I got the impression that you were wayyy higher on the scale than that. But your teething-baby-visits idea is brilliance : )

AP, I would sneak in a dog, but the penalty for being caught is "eviction with 10 days' notice." Maybe I could get a note from a doctor that I need a "therapy dog" or something? In the meantime, I turned in a couple applications for nearby pet shelters. Which may or may not help my situation.

Kelley, at least no one's name was spelled the same as yours...? : ) You should totally write a post on this!

and p.s. on my earlier comment: I got the ratio backwards. 2:8 for boys' names vs. girls' names. Some Matthews-er I am.

Beautiful Little Fool said...

So seriously, do you dream walk in my head {yes, yes you do you creeper} and steal my thoughts? Fluke and I like one singular family name and I'm in a race with 3 other female cousins to use my maternal grandmother's... it's unique, it's awesome, and I want the name. Talk about CPS being in the delivery room: "Why yes, I DID have my child so I could name it, then not pay attention to it for awhile."

Also, I love you forever for comparing your uterus and body to buildings.

Finally, I will loan you a puppy / come to MA and you can doggy-sit any time. No. Really.

-BLF (at a 5.33(?)-out-of-10 amount of Want)

Markie said...

My baby meter WAS admittedly higher than a 6 at the time I wrote that post... probably closer to a 8.5.
But then we spent a whole weekend (and by whole I mean morning to night for 2 days) with a teething baby and a very frustrated mother. At that point, my meter went down to a one. Now it has balanced out a little... but I think it won't get too high for awhile :) It seriously works!

Gabe said...

I feel you. With my standard guy outlook, I tend not to fawn over babies. They're kinda cute, but let's face it, they are an assload of work. The upside is they grow into cute little kids (hopefully). Once they pass from a little eating, crying and pooping machine into this crazy little monkey that can talk to you and fetch you sodas from the fridge down in the garage they're pretty awesome. And I'm slowly turning mine into geeks. Ian can already play video games with me.

We didn't have him until we were both 30, which is probably on the late side. One thing kids do is put a damper on a lot of things you might be doing now that will become far more difficult if not impossible when you're towing them around.

So are they worth it? Absolutely. Are they a shitload of work? Absolutely. But they can function as helper monkeys later on, so it all works out.

Gabe said...

Also, my favorite bad reason to have kids is the desire to own a human chess set. But your uterus would probably fall out before you could get there. That Duggar lady is doing a pretty good job, though. She's got one whole side of the board done.

Kristie said...

Go with Matthew. Matthew Matthews = Matthew^2. Talk about a matthewser.

Also fun baby name things to play with:

The Woven Moments said...

After 2 babies, my baby fever is a negative 10 out of 10!

And naming your kids the most popular names isn't SO terrible. Even if you did it inadvertently. Just sayin'. :)

Also - I think it's HILARIOUS that you want a baby as a "practice puppy"
when nearly everyone in the world gets a puppy as a "practice baby".

We STILL call our golden retriever our first born. Hiarious.

Emilee said...

What a fun post! I go back and forth about wanting to have both kids and puppies. I think pregnancy is just mind boggling-in a cool way!
You and Jason will be great parents when you choose to do so...and I think either way, the kiddo is bound to have awesome hair :)

Oh yeah, I may have to invite myself over to play with Jr if that's the room they are going to get. I LOVE IT :)

Lozzz123 said...

Hahaha, I can totally relate. So many people I know are preggers right now. Here is my husband's 'great' reasoning for having one now: our kids would be the same age as our friends' ones and they could all be friends. Err - cool.

Though I have to admit I've seen some cool toys and I've already decorated this fictional room in my head!

(saw your blog at 20sb - it's great!)

Mike H. said...

You can borrow ours anytime. He's kinda fun and a goof.