Thursday, May 5

My leg hair's 9-month adventure

Sometime earlier this spring, I realized I hadn't shaved above my mid-shins since August. I announced this to Jason. He gave me a high-five (aaaaand that's why I married the guy).

Here's the gratuitous photo:


Kidding. Those are Jason's legs. But it's an accurate representation, other than his enviable quadriceps. Okay, if you MUST-- here's mine. Yeaaaah-heah-heah-heahhhh BABY. Pretty sure mine are even hairier than the mister's.

Oh, my little strings of keratin. You've been through a gamut of adventures since August:

You began your journey of growth whilst frolicking about Disneyworld.
You kept me as warm as a wooly mammoth in Sveeden.

You've been to recent physical therapy appointments where--SURPRISE!!-- the doctor asked me to change into shorts. Awkward.

Then you accompanied me to another appointment where the doctor put that weird therapy tape on my knee:
except way hairier

...and then you went to another doctor appointment a week later where I had to rip off the $&^% TAPE and HOLY FLAMING HELLFIRE I SWEAR I WILL NEVER TRY WAXING IN MY LIFE. I made my poor (male) doctor do it because I literally could not will myself to pull on the tape. (So for that, and just for being awesome, I'll give him a little plug here: Dr. Gervais will fix your injuries AND rip off your leg hair for you-- without even cringing at all the hair stuck to the tape.)

But this week... alas. The weather got hot and I had to run a timed 6K (3.7 miles) at my gym. Not something I wanted to do in sweatpants.

THE TIME WAS NIGH TO HARVEST ZEE CROPS.

The idea of it tortured me. My leg hair had grown on me, and I was rather attached to it (I'm SORRY, I'm SORRY, it's not even funny, but was two puns in one sentence and I just couldn't let the opportunity pass me by).

But really, amigos. I'm serious. I was sad. I stroked my fuzzy knee caps wistfully, and reminisced: I hadn't shaved my legs all fall, winter, and spring, because, dammit, shaving my legs is a completely pointless societal expectation, contrived by giant pharmaceutical companies so they can sell more razors. And it's really really boring to do. And I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT.

...that is, until I actually have to wear shorts in public. Way to walk the walk, April.

I thought of all that work those little follicles had accomplished; I'll bet they were so proud. I thought of all that protein that my bloodstream had lovingly set aside for a little decorative somethin'-somethin' for my legs. Nine looong months of tedious hair-building, gone with the effortless swipe of a razor.

* * *
Forty minutes and three decimated razors later, my fall foliage was clogging the drain and I was rushing into the gym five minutes late.

We stepped outdoors to begin the run, and I felt a strange sensation on my left thigh. A... rustling, if you will. I looked down.

I had missed a chunk. A little oasis of lingering wildlife amidst a clear-cutted massacre zone. And the rustling sensation was it gleefully blowing in the breeze.

It enjoyed the 6K run like a dog with its head out a car window (believe me, I speak fluent folliclean).

And now it's three days later... and I still haven't shaved it.
I love stories with happy endings.

20 comments:

Emilee said...

hilarious! i love when i look down and see that i missed an entire patch of leg hair...or even better yet...when i am doing pull ups and realize i forgot to shave one armpit. ha!

is your knee getting better? i hope so!!!!

Beautiful Little Fool said...

"It had grown on me and I was rather attached to it."

Wow, April. Wow.
Also OW, April, I can't believe you pulled tape off that leg.

That's real strength right there.

April said...

Emilee, seriously, hairy-pitted pullups are so awkward. The coach sits there and tries to advise your form and you both wonder if the other one knows. So funny.

BLF... yeah. There were definitely a few silent tears welling up in my eyes. That must have been soooo weird for my PT. He never said a word about it.

Markie said...

This is FUNNY! I love reading your blog... it makes me laugh every time.

There are so many times that I should have shaved my legs but, very unfortunately, I forgot. Like the few times that I've gotten full-body massages. Or the time that I was going to a fancy party, but was wearing tights so I didn't think I needed to shave... except that all the exceptionally-long hair was either poking up through my tights or being visibly pancaked to my skin. Think... unshaved cross dresser in grandma pantyhose. Super attractive, right?

April said...

YES!! haha Markie-- I had a hostess job at a restaurant where they required girls to wear skirts. This completely pissed me off, so I made sure to not shave my legs, and wear the thinnest pantyhose I could find ;>

I love they way they glisten when they stick through.

Caitlin said...

Thanks for the lovely comments on my blog :) You're too sweet!

And HAHAHA to this post! I laughed out loud because I've totally been there. When I miss a patch of hair it feels like some sort of weird growth that won't let me rest until it's been shaven with the rest!

Following your blog :)

Nanoinfinity said...

I think my upper leg looks better with soft little hairs anyway. Instead of the weird hair-dots and ingrown hairs and slight razor burn and stubble. Shaving really is the worst way to get rid of body hair. >:(

Not the lower legs, though, because the hair there is thicker and darker and looks like someone went crazy with a thin-tipped Sharpie.

Ray said...

Again, you are such a creep! It's stuff like this that makes me miss you so much. (Frown). I remember the fish house experience fondly. I am like the exact opposite though. I am a natural Sasquatch, and I am tirelessly trying to remove hair. It's like, how can I even have hair follicles here--let alone grow these two, five-inch, pitch-black strands and I make this like, "how could you?," face at myself in the bathroom when Sam bursts in and asks me what I'm doing, and I have to make up some crazy story about soap.

Sam said...

Sorry...that previous comment was from me (Samantha)...I was signed in as Ray for some reason. Awkward! Although, it really would not surprise me if Ray and Sam had the same kind of things going on in the bathroom. They are quite close.

Lindsay said...

You should name the patch of hair. I think Hairiett sounds good.

April said...

Nan, seriously, stubble is the worst >>:( I get smooth legs for one day, and then horrible prickles for the next four. Not worth it.

Sam/Ray, I knew it was you-- but I got really excited, because I thought that maybe you'd created a secret identity under which to write an anonymous blog. A-HEM.

Linds, that's amazing. You're amazing. What can I say? Between my Harriet and your Jorge, you are the best namer I know.

Kanette said...

April this just made me laugh so much I cried! It is such a perfect example of who you are and why I love you so much. I too remember having to unplug a certain drain in a certain house on high street ;)

Anonymous said...

"I thought of all that protein that my bloodstream had lovingly set aside for a little decorative somethin'-somethin' for my legs."

Priceless.

-Kaileen

danielle @ take heart said...

you seriously crack me up. who needs to shave their legs anyway?

Ashley said...

I'm DYING that's freaking awesome that you haven't shaved in forever. Whatever man, you're married and no longer do you have to be bound to society's idea of being beautiful lol

Kristie said...

(I am 90% done with my homework, so I say that's good enough to break my internetvention. I did really well until now.)

What with these spurts of warm weather I was thinking of shaving soon, but then I read an article in BUST about the history of shaving, and I am now quite smitten with the image of hairy-legged pioneer women. Weren't no razors on the frontier! (Honestly I'm likely to cut off everything below the knees on the next 70 degree day).

April said...

Kei, can you pretty please send me that article? : )

& yes, I love thinking about historical women (Cleopatra, Queen Victoria, Little House on the Prairie girls) with furry legs. History channel needs to start getting it right!!

Emma @ She Got Married said...

Well. At least I'm choking on my coffee at this terrible hour. I wish I could say that I didn't spend a good solid minute contemplating the first picture of the hairy leg. But. I did. I was really perplexed, slightly jealous, and bewildered all at once. But either way, the two of you have some nice legs, with or without the hair!

Kelley @ Kelley Maria said...

Hahaha! Love it! I suggest you grow that patch of hair out, but keep shaving the hair around it then take a picture and show us! :)
I rarely shave my legs throughout the winter months as well. No point! Matt is stuck with me and my hairy legs :)

bijuterii said...

It's very funny .. how you exposed the situation... Had a similar situation 6 years ago when I had my leg 6 centimeters stretched (by surgery).. 8 months old, it was so soft, so long just like a fine fur ... =)) ... Love your posts!