Friday, March 4

Premature Maturity

I'm turning 24 in about a month, but lately you'd think it's four times that number.

The last things I do before I go to bed at night include:
  • worry that I'm becoming senile. (i.e. the most recent debacle where I lost my apartment key, borrowed Jason's key to check in the storage closet, and promptly locked HIS in the storage closet. Those were our only two keys.) (I may have Alzheimers, but at least I don't have Alzheimers.)
  • trail off on long tangents. Where was I? 
  • Oh yesss, things I do before bed: take pills for my hip injury. (Not pain pills, chillax.) (Wait, Chillax sounds like some sort of anti-anxiety medication, doesn't it?)
  • slather on the anti-wrinkle cream (I'm a vain little old lady.)
  • consider seeing a doctor about my bladder issues. I wish I were kidding.
  • (as you can imagine, at this point Jason's all, "Hubba hubba, baby.")
  • and check on my beard.

Once you consider my genetics, it's not so surprising. Meet the Papa Bear.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a teeeeny little bit. It's only one (although very manly) hair under my jaw, but I like to call it my beard to make the lonely little straggler feel like it has a place in the world. (Me constantly yanking it out probably contradicts this, but no one's pointed that out to it yet.)

So the last time I went to remove it, I could feel it with my hand, but I couldn't see it in the mirror like usual. When I finally tweezed it out, I understood why. IT HAD TURNED GRAY. I could see the exact point at which it had given up on melanin, too-- the last 25% of it was dark, and the rest of it was a bright, shiny silver. I can now tell my wee grandbabies that the first gray hair I ever got was my entire beard, all at once.

I told Jason that I'm thinking of growing it out, just to see how long it gets. I assured him that since it's silver, people probably won't notice it. At least until someone asks me a philosophical question & I have to pause, raise an eyebrow in deep thought, and slowly stroke my 8-inch silver strand thoughtfully between my thumb and index finger. Oh, the wisdom this shall impart.


Little Wonder Lauren said...

Hilarious! I love this entry... totally made my lunch hour.

I can SO relate. I've been an old person since I graduated from undergrad, which was about 6 years ago. I come home from work and promptly put on my pajamas, never mind that it's 6 o'clock at night. Instead of bladder issues, I have digestive issues (and my husband already has back problems, which began at age 24). And I've got not one, but 3 or 4 of those manly chin hairs. So you're not alone :-D

Ashley Paige said...

ok, i literally had to stop laughing so hard so that I could comment on your post.. you had me in stitches. literally..

if you think YOU'RE old? Omygosh.. then I must be ancient. And having a baby? Just adds what... 10 years?

I left my husband on the couch last night, in the middle of a movie no less, to go to bed at EIGHT PM.

Eight. And no, I didnt go upstairs and putz around on my iPhone. I literally fell asleep.

Dead sleep.

Old is the new young, right? :)

caitlin said...

my gosh april, you get me!! i misplace things ALL the time, i too have a singular beard hair (that dan took care of last night), and i also have bladder issues....dan got me this for christmas:

but i should mention that my bladder business got significantly better when i cut out wheat.

ho_ said...

I ca'nt even begin to grow one.

As for silvers, I got plenty. Short hair seems to do the trick of hiding them.

Infidel said...

Hahaha, YES!!

I thought I was alone!!

I have a stray hair that pops up every now and again, on the side of my nose. It, too, turned silver eventually.

I think it has died, though, it hasn't made an appearance for a couple of months.

The first time I noticed it, was when a friend of mine assumed I had a stray hair on my face and tried to pick it off... only to tug at it, and hear me scream "Ow!" to her eternal horror.

Not the best day ever.

Married In Chicago said...

HA! This is the funniest (and most true) thing I've read all weeks, hands down!

Anonymous said...

This post was hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh. Oh and did you know that it's bad to use wrinkle cream too early? I don't remember why but I read that in cosmo or something. But whatever, I do it too. (prescription too but it's acne/wrinkle combo)

Kelley @ Kelley Maria said...

I too have a single manly hair coming out of the side of my face (located on the left side of my face along the jawline). Although, mine has not turned grey, yet...
I always forget about it and notice when it is about 1/4 inch long. YIKES! Haha thank you for the good laugh that came with this post!

Kristie said...

Wow, this has turned into an awkward ladies' facial hair confession session. How can I resist?
I am secretly proud of my mustache(it's subtle, just darker hair on my top lip). I secretly call it my ladystache (although that sounds a bit dirtier than I mean it to be).
The nice thing about living with people older than me is that my already old-lady-like habits aren't so bad by comparison :)

Beautiful Little Fool said...

So, you used the word "melanin" in a post and I had to look that shit up. Color me impressed (get it? color? I'm sorry, I'll stop now). But seriously, I'm typing this from bed, where I plan to secretly stay since my husband isn't home until Thursday, even though I'm telling him I'm downstairs doing yoga.
"No honey, I'm not just lying in bed drinking diet coke and reading about other people's lives like a stalker." <--Lies

I blame this on my premature aging as well. I'm so glad it's not just me.