Thursday, May 10

The tale of Sneaky Baby-- Part 1

This story starts with a bump. A little, tiny bump.

Just kidding, not that one. That's not very "little" these days, anyway.

The bump I'm talking about appeared in September... on my toe. I had noticed a small, swollen red spot-- a bug bite? A super-sexy ingrown toe hair?

(Sorry Sneaky Baby, reading this 12 years from now. This is not a very cute beginning to your tale.)

A week later, the little bump had amassed into a gnarly red & purple welt with something that looked disturbingly... "pop-able" on top.

I didn't really have time to go to the doctor: I was doing a hardcore "whole food" detox where I had to cook everything from scratch, I was lifeguarding at 5AM, teaching swim lessons in the afternoon, and cramming for the two "grown-up" interviews I had within a few days.

Meanwhile, the toe bump kept growing. It was starting to make me limp a little.

The first interview went incredibly well. Afterwards, I kept plugging away at making a printed art portfolio for my next (graphic designer) interview. Horrifyingly sooner than later, it was the night before this interview and I still felt miles from "ready."

I kept working on the portfolio until 1am. Just kidding, I kept working until 4am.

Just kidding, I stayed up ALL EFFING NIGHT without a wink of sleep, sucking down coffee, frantically tinkering and rearranging images. I mean, it's just not possible to make a printed booklet look good enough for a job where you will make printed booklets.

With only two hours before my interview and fingers tightly crossed, I sent my file to Kinko's. Then (in lieu of a nap of course) I crammed, crammed, crammed for any answers this guy could possibly throw at me.

Dressed in the snazzy outfit I'd had planned for a week (thanks to mi amiga Kelley), I went to put on my high-heeled "lady" shoes.

Bad idea.

I just about YAKKED from the searing pain that shot through my toe when I tried to stand up. That sucker was pretty much rotting from the inside out at this point. (Not to mention I still had a healing broken toe on that foot as well.) But in my delirious state, there was no way I was changing shoes.

At this point I probably shouldn't have been driving, but I swung by Kinko's, picked up my rockin' portfolio, managed to avoid any car accidents, and ab. so. lute. ly. NAILED this interview. Like, to the point where we were discussing my starting date by the end of it. What the hell?! It's like I had a lucky charm or something (...wink.)

Back safely at home (again, Holy Lucky Charm Batman... don't ever drive on zero sleep) I took my shoes and tights off.

Oh dear.

My entire left foot was puffed up like it had tried to make sweet love to a rattlesnake. I had to go to the hospital and get antibiotics before this got into the rest of my bloodstream.

The thought of "antibiotics" spurred the first moment of clarity I'd had in about a week, and things started clicking into place. Like, how I (almost) never get sick, yet the other night I couldn't finish cooking my favorite dinner because the smell was making me gag. And how I'd cried about three times in the past week. And how... eh, I wasn't very good at keeping track of this, but it was probably about time for the ol' uterus to do its thing again. And it hadn't.

I had a feeling that antibiotics wouldn't be okay if... gulp. Yeah. The p-word.  I asked The Google and The Google confirmed: antibiotics and the p-word don't mix too well.

Luckily I had a peestick in the bathroom, and luckily I had some pee. I actually wasn't even nervous, because there was no way I was pregnant. That happens to grown-ups. That happens to people who have their shit together. That happens to people who have been trying and trying to get knocked up for months and then do handstands for an hour after hitting the sack. This test was just The Responsible Thing To Do, so I could confidently tell the doctor that, why, yes, I AM currently eligible for antibiotics even though I have been half-assing "natural" birth control for the past two years. Surely all my "symptoms" were easily explained by stress and lack of sleep.

See? Two lines. Totally... wait. Two lines. TWO LINES.

whammo. Look what my pee can do.
 I grabbed the towel hanging next to the toilet, wadded it into my face, and screamed "OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD" for a good twenty seconds.

How... nurturing and maternal of me. (Fast forward to the present 33-weeks-pregnant where Sneaky Baby just gave me a guilt-inducing jab to the ribs).

It's like I had 50 brains with 50 sudden realizations all at once. "OHMYGOD. I'm not ready for this." "OHMYGOD. I get to see what Jason & I are like melded into one new little body." "OHMYGOD. It's in there right now." "OHMYGOD. Jason is going to die of happiness." "OHMYGOD. But I just accepted a full-time job PLUS a second part-time job." "OHMYGOD. My body is going to completely change --WAIT-- OHMYGOD. I get to finally have boobs."

But mostly: "OHMYGOD. Moms know everything and make everything better. I don't do that. That test has to be wrong somehow."

I felt like my heart was crushing between the amazement and protectiveness I felt for our little tiny offspring, and the paralyzing fear I felt that my life was changing forever and there was no going back.

I texted Jason (away at the gym) and told him I was taking The Gross Toe to the Emergency Room. He said he'd meet me there.


Lacey said...

Ack!! I love a good cliff hanger as much as the next person, but don't leave me hanging for too long! (Like, not 6 months long, nudge nudge.) This is an awesome story so far but probably because I ultimately know the outcome. ;) Although reading about puffed up, pussy, color-changy foot is always lovely to read about, too.

Laura said...

So exciting! I feel all suspenseful waiting for the rest!

ChickLitGirl said...

cant wait for the rest of the story!

Markie said...

Love it... these are all the emotions I just recently experienced!! I want to hear the rest now!! :)

Sarah Rooftops said...

Aaaah, can't wait for the next part of the story!

April said...

I have the next half written up in a notebook, so by next week it'll be all typed up, edited, and ready to go : )

Markie, I'm glad you said you felt the same way! I feel kind of guilty that my first reaction wasn't 100% fluffy hearts and rainbows... actually so guilty that I felt nervous writing this and posting it.

Lacey, I actually took a picture of the gross toe before I went to the hospital. But I posted the other "bump" instead at the last minute ; )

Nicole said...

April I felt the same way when baby #2 came along he was a big surprise lol. But everything will come to u lie u have been doing all your life.
I cant wait to meet the new little bundle. Hope all is well.

Caitlin said...

OMG I love this story already! So glad you nailed the interview, I bet that felt super awesome. And I am SO excited to see this bebe.

ashnic05 said...

Great story for the ages! I'm sure your 12 year old bump will love it someday :)

Sam said...

The fact that you worry about whether or not you will be a good mom proves that you will be a great mom! Only very good parents worry that they aren't good parents. You will do awesome! You always worry about things, and you always do so much more awesome than any mere mortal could. The fact that you want to succeed so much is all that it will take. All you have to do is love your baby, and you already have that down!

Kelley @ Kelley Maria said...

OMG! OMG! OMG! Where have I been all this time?! I had no idea you guys were pregnant! Congratulations! You both are going to be awesome parents...I just know it!

You had me laughing so hard out loud that I had to re-read the whole post to Matt. He was laughing too, of course. My favorite part - "OHMYGOD. I get to finally have boobs."

I enjoyed myself immensely over here at Two Matthews(ers)...I havemissed reading your posts on the reg.

Kristie said...

Pretty soon you're gonna have to change the title of your blog to "Three Matthewsers" :)))) <---(these are multiple smiles on a single face, not a massive double chin, just so we're clear).

April said...

Aw Sam, whenever I get worried (about just about anything baby-related) I think about your ENORMOUS love for that little kiddo that isn't even 'yours,' and I know that everything will be okay.

Kel, it's more like where have *I* been??! Totally my bad. Also I re-read the "interview outfit" post that you wrote and laughed out loud a little bit about making sure the shoes fit comfortably ; ) Oops!

Kristie, I'm going to out myself now-- although we weren't thinking of babies anytime soon, when I first set up this blog I made sure to make the URL 'matthewsers.blogspot' and not 'twomatthewsers.blogspot.' Just in case... that someday... ; )

Sam Routledge said...

There isn't a SQUEEEE that is big enough, here. :D I'm so glad you're not dead and stuff!

Kelley @ Kelley Maria said...

Haha! I guess you learned the hard way about the shoes :) Now you know!

Lozzz123 said...

Hah! When I saw the title of this post I certainly wasn't expecting the gross toe story!! That sounds horribly painful, but it seems like there will be a happy outcome, so looking forward to the next part :)

April said...

Sammm!! My favorite Canaidy-Lady! I like your new profile picture : ) Planning a giant binge this weekend to read all that you've been up to.

Part two will be done Friday morning for those of you tapping your watches...

Nicole Paradis said...

I loved reading about your emotional reaction to the postive test. I had so many of the same thoughts- like I CANT be pregnant, that happens to other people. and instead of screaming into a towel I hyperventilated and turned around in circles, partly smiling and partly in fear and shock (wouldve been a funny face to get a picture of)... YOU ARE GOING TO BE AN AMAZING MOTHER APRIL!!!! It is quite the journey, but worth every moment of sleep deprivation, every tear, and every time you will want to pull your hair out because of something your little sneaky baby does...

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